I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
