Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize