just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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