if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
