i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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