I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
