Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize