Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
