omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
