So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
