I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
