sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
