Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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