i was born a porn star she said
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
