apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
