if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
