five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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