I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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