you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
