i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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