one might say we're banned from that church
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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