last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
