I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
