last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
