Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize