There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
