the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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