life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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