Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
