Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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