sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I fill condoms, not promises.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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