Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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