Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
