Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
