Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
