i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
