It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize