I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
