After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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