nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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