why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Let's get the cat blown out
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
