3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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