i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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