Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
