i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
