Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I want her autograph on my taint
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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