don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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