Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
