i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
