I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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