dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
