He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
