dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
