I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
