So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
