Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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