Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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