Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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