gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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