Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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